Washington D.C. – In a move that has both baffled and amused the nation, President Biden has signed an executive order declassifying all government documents in a desperate bid to prevent further leaks.
The bold move, dubbed the "White House Transparency Extravaganza," has left intelligence agencies scrambling to cover their classified assets. The decision came in the wake of a recent spate of document leaks, which had left the administration feeling exposed. In a press conference announcing the move, Biden said, "Look, folks, if everything is out in the open, there's nothing to leak, right?"
The statement was followed by a long, awkward silence as reporters checked their notes to make sure they'd heard him correctly. The executive order, which was ironically leaked before being officially announced, has elicited a range of reactions from politicians, civil rights activists, and conspiracy theorists alike.
Senator Alex J. Fakename (R-TX) expressed concern, stating, "If we don't have any secrets, how are we supposed to maintain our global dominance? What's next, a 'Show and Tell' session with our military technology?"
However, others have praised the move as a bold step towards transparency. Transparency advocate Clarissa Obvious said, "I think it's about time that the government finally comes clean. I mean, we've been waiting for the full disclosure of the alien files for ages! And don't even get me started on the secret recipe for the perfect grilled cheese sandwich."
Meanwhile, conspiracy theorists have responded with mixed emotions. Some are rejoicing at the prospect of finally getting their hands on the truth, while others are convinced this is just another clever ruse to keep them from uncovering the real secrets.
"I bet they're just declassifying the boring stuff," said conspiracy theorist Terry Tinfoil. "Like, who cares about tax policy when we should be looking for the hidden entrances to the Hollow Earth?"
As government agencies work overtime to publish decades' worth of documents, a strange sense of unity has emerged among the American people. With so much information available, everyone is equally overwhelmed, confused, and suspicious – a true testament to the democratic spirit.
In a final, bizarre twist, White House sources have reported that Biden has been spotted roaming the halls late at night, muttering about finding the perfect hiding place for a new batch of classified documents. "There's got to be a secret room around here somewhere," he whispered, as he disappeared into the darkness of the presidential residence.